I wrote a big old post about OCD and shame and finding purpose earlier today. I meant to send it to everyone, but I messed up, pressed the wrong button and only sent it to paid subscribers. I’m proud of it. A very personal piece. It’s for everyone. If you’re not a paid subscriber, then why not? But also, you can read it here.
Some of you will know that I run a podcast called Shame. It is, perhaps unsurprisingly, about the emotion shame. It’s been pretty popular. Shame is, also unsurprisingly, but certainly regrettably, perhaps the most universal human emotion there is. I started the podcast because mine has been a life engulfed in shame. We live in an age where shame is abundant. I wanted to work some things out. And I wanted to help some people. Maybe one of those people is you. Maybe it could be.
Here’s the top five things I’ve learned about shame from making the podcast.
YOU HAVE AUTONOMY OVER WHETHER YOU FEEL SHAME
Let’s start with some good news. Shame – much more than regret or guilt – is an emotion that it is possible to wriggle free from. If you are shamed, and you know who you are and the fibre of your being, you can reject it by holding your head up. Life – especially life in 2022 – is especially cruel; you should always be holding your head up. This is a more powerful form of self-care than any fucking bubble bath. I’m going to be straight with you. Nobody is coming to help you. Nobody is coming to make it better. You must forge your own armour. You must weather the storm and rebuild yourself at the same time. Only you can do this (and you can do this). Because…
SHAME IS A WEAPON
Making the podcast I’ve interviewed people who’ve fucked up. Found themselves in unfortunate situations. Who’ve been born into complexity. Or are just different. Have you noticed there’s no eccentrics anymore? That’s weird isn’t it. I think all these people are hiding until the purity trials have ceased. With no exception, I have liked all of the shamed I have spoken to. I think the shamed are generally kinder and more complete than anyone who has ever chosen to shame. People who have chosen to shame are often angry or hurt and they are looking to rid themselves of these similarly destructive emotions by choosing to shame. It doesn’t work. It only amplifies their suffering and puts more of it into the world. But hey ho.
SHAME TARGETS THE BEST OF US
I have no psychology degree, only 41 years of life living within extremity, but I would bet my life that Hitler never felt shame. The kid who sent a dumb tweet ten years ago does. It's a perversity that only the best of us feel shame. Only the best of us are capable of feeling it. I’m a more empathetic person for being shamed, and I think I was pretty empathetic to begin with. I am drowning in empathy. Glug glug. I don’t think excess empathy in 2022 is much of a gift. I think it’s a hindrance. A target on your back. But I also think the only way out of this fucking bear pit we call modern life is a vast amount of empathy. It might help you to think of your shame as taking one for the team. Maybe.
APOLOGISE, BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO
If you’ve fucked up you’ll feel better for apologising and anyone you’ve hurt will do too. But nothing gets critiqued in 2022 more than public apology and do know that you’re basically on a hiding to nothing. You’ve written your apology in the wrong font. You haven’t taken full responsibility. You’re only doing it to save your career. Say what you want to say if you think it will help yourself and others. This is the decent thing to do. But restorative justice is a nonsense, especially in the Wild West of the internet. Apology won’t shame you. It won’t make the shaming stop. Few will see your apology as owning a mistake. Most will see it as a wound in which to claw at.
(NB: I’m not anti-apology. Recently a dude slid into my Twitter DM’s and apologised for standing passively behind bullies a decade ago. My respect for the guy rocketed. I really like this guy now. I think he’s a very good person. We might even be friends. But were he to put his apology infront of a crowd, I wouldn’t have fancied his chances).
CHANNEL THE SPIRIT OF BRIEFLY MASSIVE 90’S POP R&B SUPERSTAR MARK MORRISON
Mark Morrison – he of 90’s smash ‘Return of the Mack’ – was always getting into trouble. One year at the Brits he turned up wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘Only God can judge me’. I think about this often. Now, I’m not really religious in the traditional sense. I believe in God, but not that one. I don’t think God has much time for us. I think the complexity of the cosmos is far greater than our bipedal, meaty simplicity could ever comprehend. But I do believe in my mum. And my wife. These are the two best people I know. They can judge me and I care what they think. If I fuck up I care what they think. You? Not so much. No offence. Nobody will know the journey you have walked or what it feels like to stand in your shoes. So nobody gets to point at you and judge you unless they share every moment of their life with you in return. Which is quite a biblical sentiment I know. Maybe there is something in all that.