Here’s 50 things I’d rather pledge my allegiance to before King Charles.
Baphomet.
This song.
The woman who does the TikTok voice and her parents for conceiving her.
The theme tune to Paul Daniel’s Wizbit.
This horrible cat.
A bin that hasn’t been emptied for hours on a hot day at a theme park.
This list of accidents that have occurred at UK theme parks.
Crap rubbers on the end of pencils.
Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Catching the belt loops on your jeans on a door handle.
The sound of foxes having sex.
This teddy bear made of meat.
Any song by The Spin Doctors that isn’t ‘Two Princes’.
The guy from The Spin Doctors beard.
The guy from The Spin Doctors hat and the horrors it sheaths beneath.
A cat that has crawled into a skip for a nap, found it impossible to get out, died, and remained undiscovered for a month.
The jelly in pork pies.
Sexy Elmo.
Chafing an hour into a hike.
People who sit on the outside seat on the bus when the window seat is free.
Subtweets. This isn’t a subtweet.
The walk from Wembley Stadium to Wembley Park tube station.
James Corden in Cats.
James Corden in Into The Woods.
The plot of the Pixar movie The Good Dinosaur.
Semolina.
Any pub next to a tube station or with a flat roof.
Anyone over 30 who likes Paramore (I quite like this one, mind).
Runny eggs. Fuck runny eggs.
This video game and everyone who made it.
Post-transatlantic flight small talk at the baggage claim.
Trying to find somewhere nice to eat in central London after a gig.
Standing on a plug.
Andrew Lincoln’s character in Love Actually.
When Stacey Smith hit me in the bollocks with a badminton racket at school because she “thought it would be funny”.
This fish. It’s called a Telescope Fish but I call it “nope”.
Everyone who has ever reviewed a zoo on Trip Advisor. We’re an animal psychologist now are we?
The day on Twitter when festival line-ups are announced and we all count how many women are on the bill. That day isn’t irritating at all. In every single way.
The guy on Twitter who tweets every progressive slogan ever conceived and yet blatantly has multiple bodies buried under the patio.
Any UFO/UAP ‘expert’ who says “disclosure is getting closer”. SHOW ME THE MONEY OR SHUT UP.
The inappropriately scary mascot of Crawley Town Football Club.
Those pretend policemen who fine you £80 for dropping a cigarette/because their mothers didn’t spend enough time with them/the camps aren’t recruiting.
Trying to buy cigarettes in the Angel area after the Tesco has closed for the night.
Bored Uber drivers.
The eyes of flamingos.
Sharon on EastEnders for about the last ten years.
Awesome list! And same about that Telescope Fish - NOPE.